Finally been getting some downtime to just sit and think for a minute. Got other tasks at hand, but I wanted to time to just simmer with myself and my thoughts. 

Conversation. The informal exchange of information through words. I find this phenomena extremely interesting and have difficulty grasping this concept. Being an only child who grew up mostly alone who did extracurriculars that involved one person, it shaped me into a slightly socially-awkward person in the area of conversation. I’m normally extremely out-going, loud, obnoxious, and probably annoying but when it comes down to one-on-one, I almost become a whole new person. I’m told I’m a good listener but that’s probably because I don’t talk much and just absorb what others have to say so I can process the information. People fascinate me and I want to get to know them as much as I can. One way to achieve this is through meaningful conversation. But what is meaningful conversation? Is it when you have a heart to heart talk? Do you have to talk about deep-meaning, profound topics? Or is it something as simple as talking about random nonsense? The simple, “How are you?” and “Fine” can show so little about a person, yet somehow it can reveal so much. Life is filled with paradoxes and sometimes it’s just all a bit too hectic. From what I’ve learned recently in my 20+ years of living is that life doesn’t have to be profound, but everything in life IS profound. Something as pointless as a moving cloud can provide stimulating verbal intercourse that can have full of meaning. But when every conversation is all philosophical, does it have the same effect? I realize that not every conversation I have with people can be constantly esoteric but I don’t know how to go away from that. Those complex exchanges can reveal so much about a person but sometimes the simple exchanges can reveal just as much and I need to find a way to access that. 

On a somewhat related note, I think I’m one of the most unpredictable people I know. I have my own set of predictable traits, but I can go from one side of the spectrum to the other in an instant. Most times I feel things out, letting my gut feeling take over yet sometimes I have to analyze the whole thing out before I even take a whole move. There are times where I don’t even know what I would do in a situation. There’s times where I’m completely out-going that I scare myself and there’s also times where I’ve just melted into the background. It’s hard to figure out what you would do in a situation when you don’t even know your tendencies. But I think that’s the beauty of it- you can never fully figure yourself out. You’re an unfinished work that’s constantly under construction. One day you figure out what you’re gonna be and who you are as a person. Then along comes someone or something that completely challenges what you thought about yourself. 

Time for a corny segment in this blog.  I’m sure you’ve tried staring at a toaster until the toast came out and the moment you looked away it popped out. Life kinda feels like a toaster. You put your toast into it whether it be your career, relationships, etc. and wait for it to come out all nice and ready for you. You keep brooding over it, waiting for the moment for it to be done so that you can savory the bread goodness. It’s seems like ages during your standoff and when something else grabs your attention, it’s pops out. You can’t just focus on one aspect of your life. While the bread is toasting, you can pour the orange juice, cook the eggs, set the table, and so much more. The bread will pop up eventually, and if you are so set upon waiting for the bread, you’ll miss out or fall behind on all the other things you could be doing instead. There’s that cliche quote about how “Life is what happens when you’re too busy making plans,” and I guess it applies here fairly well. If you can just take your mind off of it and attend to other matters, it’ll eventually come to you, plus you’ll have the added benefit of finishing other tasks. But sometimes, waiting for that bread is worth it. Or is it?

I’m just filled with all these reflective posts, aren’t I? But I guess I can’t help it. Sometimes I think, sometimes I feel. Sometimes I know who I am, most days I don’t. The best I can do is go about life living in the present, yet be thinking about the future and be mindful of the past. Life and it’s paradoxes. Confusing. But fascinating.