I guess I need to let a lot of stuff out. These are my honest thoughts and I guess I should put this private, but it’s more about me so I guess it’s okay.

I did a lot of thinking this past break and it lead to understand a lot about myself. One thing I figured out is that I’m of a jack of all trades.  I remember how people used to always comment about how I was able to do a lot of things, but I don’t remember anyone telling how I was good at these things. It’s nice to be able to do many tasks, but in the end it’s all about the one skill that you are phenomenal at…and I am slowly coming to think that my skill is to be mediocre with all skills. 

I realize that my whole life has been multiple cycles of the same thing. I get interested in something, devote almost all my time, and then an event happens that makes me quit. It all starts with a simple interest, but then I managed to find fantastic outlets to grow this interest. Eventually all available time gets allocated to whatever my interest was. For instance, I remember during my golf phase how I’d arrive at the course at 8am and leave at 8pm for almost an entire summer during the summer after my sophomore year of high school. It was neat at how quickly I improved and how good I was. But in the end, I was never enough to be the very best. In everything I did, I was good enough to compete, but usually it was never enough to win. Maybe I choked, maybe I wasn’t prepared or maybe I wasn’t just skilled enough. 

This cycle was the same with Popping. I have always had an interest in dance so I tried learning off Youtube, but I found my sanctuary with the Popping Club. I had found a place where I can finally immerse myself in the thing that I wanted to do, which was to dance. Little did I know, it became my downfall. Hours upon hours were poured into popping as well as the club. As I improved my popping, so did the club’s dynamics. I made lots of friends, got introduced to cool people and music, and gained a lot of confidence. It didn’t last forever. Eventually over time, practicing my popping became managing the club. Suddenly, it wasn’t a place where I can come and learn anymore. The simple “mom-and-pop” club had became a big organization. It drained me, seeing how every moment of my time that I wanted to spend popping was spent on trying to make the club function properly. It left me withered and to be honest I’m not sure if the same drive I had for popping will ever come back. Do you know how much it sucks when the one thing you had is gone? The thing that defined my college experience is gone. I’ve probably spent more time dancing and going to sessions/jams/workshops than school itself. Before popping, I was nothing more than some run-of-the-mill nerdy Asian boy that have any friends. That is a heavy crutch to lose. I had originally though about teaching English abroad in different countries, but after my experiences with teaching to the Popping Club, I’m not so sure of it anymore.

Being an only child from stereotypical Asian parents, I didn’t get to go out a lot. I remember one of the first times I was able to hang out with friends was in my junior year of high school. Until junior year, I lived quite the tedious and quiet lifestyle. Even at home, my parents and I didn’t talk much, the only conversations I heard between the customers and the employees at the family restaurant. It was lonely, but then came video games. They were my only escape from who I was. Video games allowed me to be the person I wasn’t- an outgoing hero who went on crazy adventures and saved the word. With the routine I was doing, I was more of an NPC at best. I guess that’s why I like playing games so much; I get to be someone I’ve always wanted to be- of importance. 

I’m starting to think I’m losing my zeal for life, which is kind of pathetic and sad. I’m trying really hard to keep pushing through, but everyday it feels like nothing but a struggle to gain an identity of who I am. As difficult as it is, I just want to go somewhere new and start all over sometimes. Sounds like a standard quarter-life crisis to me.