Sleepy kitty having photoshoot dreams #kitty #kitten #cat #posing #whatamodel #cute #aww
A lot of the times, I feel that I let everybody down. People ask me the simplest of things and I seem to mess it up. From my parents to my friends, I always feel like I never meet their expectations and it really sucks because I try really hard most of the time. I ask myself, “Where did I go wrong?” At what point in my life did I make all these mistakes? I want people to get the best of me, but it seems that the best of me is not actually the “best” at all. I thought I could be a good son. I thought I could be a good friend. I thought I could be a good everything. But in the end, I always fall short. For those that I let down… “I’m sorry.” In the end, that’s all I can really say. I’m sorry that I don’t meet your expectations and that I couldn’t bring myself to pass them. I’m sorry that I’m so weak that I can only apologize, but I hope to one day change that.
In the unsure life that I am living, the horizon seems endless. I could one way or I could go another. Do I try to go after what seems impossible to attain? I guess it’s worth a try. It’s better to have tried and failed then not trying at all. Life is confusing. What is my purpose in life?
I guess I need to let a lot of stuff out. These are my honest thoughts and I guess I should put this private, but it’s more about me so I guess it’s okay.
I did a lot of thinking this past break and it lead to understand a lot about myself. One thing I figured out is that I’m of a jack of all trades. I remember how people used to always comment about how I was able to do a lot of things, but I don’t remember anyone telling how I was good at these things. It’s nice to be able to do many tasks, but in the end it’s all about the one skill that you are phenomenal at…and I am slowly coming to think that my skill is to be mediocre with all skills.
I realize that my whole life has been multiple cycles of the same thing. I get interested in something, devote almost all my time, and then an event happens that makes me quit. It all starts with a simple interest, but then I managed to find fantastic outlets to grow this interest. Eventually all available time gets allocated to whatever my interest was. For instance, I remember during my golf phase how I’d arrive at the course at 8am and leave at 8pm for almost an entire summer during the summer after my sophomore year of high school. It was neat at how quickly I improved and how good I was. But in the end, I was never enough to be the very best. In everything I did, I was good enough to compete, but usually it was never enough to win. Maybe I choked, maybe I wasn’t prepared or maybe I wasn’t just skilled enough.
This cycle was the same with Popping. I have always had an interest in dance so I tried learning off Youtube, but I found my sanctuary with the Popping Club. I had found a place where I can finally immerse myself in the thing that I wanted to do, which was to dance. Little did I know, it became my downfall. Hours upon hours were poured into popping as well as the club. As I improved my popping, so did the club’s dynamics. I made lots of friends, got introduced to cool people and music, and gained a lot of confidence. It didn’t last forever. Eventually over time, practicing my popping became managing the club. Suddenly, it wasn’t a place where I can come and learn anymore. The simple “mom-and-pop” club had became a big organization. It drained me, seeing how every moment of my time that I wanted to spend popping was spent on trying to make the club function properly. It left me withered and to be honest I’m not sure if the same drive I had for popping will ever come back. Do you know how much it sucks when the one thing you had is gone? The thing that defined my college experience is gone. I’ve probably spent more time dancing and going to sessions/jams/workshops than school itself. Before popping, I was nothing more than some run-of-the-mill nerdy Asian boy that have any friends. That is a heavy crutch to lose. I had originally though about teaching English abroad in different countries, but after my experiences with teaching to the Popping Club, I’m not so sure of it anymore.
Being an only child from stereotypical Asian parents, I didn’t get to go out a lot. I remember one of the first times I was able to hang out with friends was in my junior year of high school. Until junior year, I lived quite the tedious and quiet lifestyle. Even at home, my parents and I didn’t talk much, the only conversations I heard between the customers and the employees at the family restaurant. It was lonely, but then came video games. They were my only escape from who I was. Video games allowed me to be the person I wasn’t- an outgoing hero who went on crazy adventures and saved the word. With the routine I was doing, I was more of an NPC at best. I guess that’s why I like playing games so much; I get to be someone I’ve always wanted to be- of importance.
I’m starting to think I’m losing my zeal for life, which is kind of pathetic and sad. I’m trying really hard to keep pushing through, but everyday it feels like nothing but a struggle to gain an identity of who I am. As difficult as it is, I just want to go somewhere new and start all over sometimes. Sounds like a standard quarter-life crisis to me.
It’s been a tumultuous quarter to say the least.
There’s been so many things that have been going on my life and it’s weird for me to finally reorganize my priorities. But you’ve got to be able to let things go. College was a time where you can figure out yourself and maybe even what you want to do for the rest of your life. I still haven’t figured out what both of those are for me, but I can kind of see where it’s headed.
I’m not the same naïve freshman I used to be, but I’m still reckless. All I know is that I have to keep on going with my life with as much passion as I can give it. Carpe Diem, or in more recent terms….. YOLO.
I could write a seething rant right now. But I won’t. All I will say is I’m so close to being done with this. If I had kept it the way it was, it wouldn’t have grown to the impending implosion that it is now. This isn’t a family anymore.
All I’ve done is fall back into an same cycle that I wanted to avoid. Probably even worse.
It’s been almost 2 months since I’ve written anything on here. It’s hard to find the time now days. I always thought I’d have time to write, but it seems as the years pass by I’ve written less and less.
I’m quite tired now days. I know I sometimes say I’m tired when I not exactly tired, but I am tired all the time now. All I want to do is sleep and not do anything, but that wastes so much time. Time is precious. It seems like yesterday, I was moving into the dorms and now here I am having a semi-quarter life crisis. Where did it all go? I was supposed know what I want to do and have it all figured out by now. But I’m just as clueless as when I first began college. Has college been some prolonged 4 year party that costed $80,000?
Dance has been frustrating as well. It’s already frustrating enough when I’m training, but when I need to help others with their dance I have less time for my own dance. I want them to have a better way of learning than I did, but it’s almost getting to the point where I can’t find time to practice for myself. I could care less, more ecstatic than anything, if a student of mine surpasses my dance skill, but one of my goals with popping was to share MY passion of the dance, not TEACH the dance. However I was willing to give my own training up so people can find their passions in dance, but even that proved to be a challenge. Before people would come to Popping Club, eager to learn and the atmosphere felt great, but now days I’m hard pressed to find any enthusiasm anymore. As a leader, I yearned to find a way to rekindle the flame that’s flickering out, but it the end all I think I did was suffocate it even more. I have a newfound appreciation for the President of the United States. I already have difficulty trying to appease 20-40 people, but imaging trying to appease 300 million.
Religion-wise, I guess my growth has been stagnant. I don’t really go to church or bible study, but that doesn’t make me any worse of a Christian does it? People have been giving me some heat for not going to church as much as I should, but only God know what’s in my heart. I praise God in my own way and spread his Word through what I do, which is dance. That is how I spread the gospel. It wouldn’t hurt to go at least once in a while though.
I’ve been talking about dance a lot throughout my college career, but was it worth it to have dance be so prevalent in my life? I lost countless hours of sleep, grades, and health to name a few negatives. I guess you could say I’ve gained lots of friends, but in all honesty it’s ending up to be more like acquaintances. I see them, strike up a small conversation and then go about our merry way. I only have serious conversations with a few of the members. What could I have gained if I never attended Popping Club? How different would the club have been if I had never joined? I’m probably just thinking this way because of the Negative Nancy in me.
My little cliche philosophical lesson I put at the end of a lot of posts:
As humans, we tend to take the good things for granted and only focus on the negative. I’m doing it myself right now as I’m writing this post. It’s hard to lead when you hear criticisms on what I’m doing wrong left and right. I’ve made some blatant mistakes and I have no one else to blame besides myself for them. I know that I’m not a fantastic leader, but you can’t ask for chocolate when there’s only vanilla available. There have been times where I literally just wanted to quit and say screw it all. But that’s not fair to the members of the club. I never chose to be President, but now that I am, I’ll have to power through it. My goal of creating Popping Club into a prominent dance club at UC Davis and eventually outside of Davis will be achieved. Maybe not by me, but I will lay out the foundation for that vision to be accomplished.